I'm having a hard time in my relationship because there's a big difference between my partner's financial situation and mine. We are both in our 50s and have been together for almost 3 years and live apart. Although he is unmarried, has no children, has a great job, he is very financially secure and has a lot of leisure time. But I'm an elderly single parent, a freelancer, have health issues, a post-divorce financial crisis, and I'm completely thin. I even had to rely on the local food bank before Christmas, which I was grateful for but felt like a huge failure.
On the other hand, it's very upsetting to see my partner walking around wearing new (very expensive) clothes that he always buys, and for example when my home appliances break down, as happened recently. It's frustrating that they don't try to help. . I know I have no right to expect that. His money is his. I've always tried to be independent and it hurts.
We plan to live together when our daughter goes to university. How then can the inequalities of our situation be bridged? When I bring it up, I feel like I'm being robbed of money and he acts hurtful. If I don't talk about it, I wonder how he can stand by and watch me suffer like this, which makes me even more resentful. If the situation were reversed, I would throw my property at him.
Eleanor says: Money can be very divisive in intimate relationships. We may see it as a symbol of independence, provision, and status. And just as money itself symbolizes those things, giving it to others can also carry symbolism such as resentment, exploitation, obligation, etc.
One way to approach this is to ask, “What is equity?” You can also sue forever. Of course, you may be right. It might be fair, or at least kind, for him to help you. However, being fair and kind has no value unless the person in front of you agrees with it. Do I have to convince him? Do you want to extract compliance with norms that are obvious to you?
Instead of asking what is objectively fair, it may be helpful to ask what each of you can tolerate.
you asked. “How on earth can we eliminate inequality?'' The answer is that the passive voice does not bridge the gap. We have to bridge that.
This seems to be reaching breaking point for you. You don't want him to continue to feel like he's “watching you suffer.” It is unfortunate to share such common news, but there is no way out of this situation other than tough discussions. There are no secret extra options that will make him know how you feel and change his preferences without having to have a difficult conversation.
Before we talk about money, it might be helpful to first clarify some non-financial questions. It's about how much he thinks you “should” be in your relationship. Does he want communal living? What is that like? Or is he acting on the preferences of another background? Does he think his life is his, your life is yours, and you should only be together in certain parts? This seems like an important thing to clarify. Otherwise, you'll be left giggling about why he's not more involved with “your team” and he'll be glad you're still independent. You'll end up judging each other against different criteria for what your relationship should be.
When approaching financial arrangements together, it may be helpful to focus on mutual feelings rather than objective principles of fairness.
Also, if you're feeling self-conscious that you're “taking the money,” it might be helpful to point out ways you can help him in return. Economic situations can make relationships feel asymmetrical. It is worth pointing out other asymmetries to avoid getting trapped in the “helper”/”helpie” role. What do you give him more than he gives you? Do you listen more, cook for them, help them with work, take care of them when they are sick?in any way you Donors can help reset philanthropic patronizing feelings.
Money has so many symbols that it can destroy the most powerful relationships. The good news is that clarity can remove much of the projected meaning. But only if you have the courage to talk about it clearly.
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